When You're Not Okay: Why an Overwhelmed Parent Can't Soothe a Child with Big Emotions (And How Healing Is Possible)
As a mom, a therapist, and a human who knows what it's like to feel like you're holding everything together with a whisper and a prayer, I want to start by saying this: If you are overwhelmed, if your reactions scare you, if you feel shame after you lose your temper, shut down with your child or wish you would have changed years ago—you are not broken. You are not failing. You are human. And you're likely holding trauma that your nervous system simply doesn't know how to carry anymore.
The truth is, a dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. Not because they don't love deeply. But because trauma wires our brains for survival, not connection. And until we address the trauma in our bodies, we cannot co-regulate with our children in the way we want to.
How Trauma Wires the Brain
Trauma doesn't live in the story of what happened. It lives in the nervous system. Whether it's a childhood experience of emotional neglect, betrayal in a romantic relationship, or the chronic unpredictability of living with domestic violence or narcissistic abuse—trauma wires our brains and bodies to protect us.
This wiring often shows up as:
Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for danger)
Emotional numbing or shutdown
Explosive anger or panic in situations that seem minor to others
Difficulty trusting others or feeling safe in relationships
In children, it often shows up as meltdowns, defiance, anxiety, or "attention-seeking" behaviors. But these are really connection-seeking signals from a nervous system that's trying to find safety.
Trauma in Relationships: The Invisible Wounds
Infidelity, narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and domestic violence all carry deep relational trauma. These aren't just "bad memories" — they are injuries to the parts of us that learned how to connect, attach, and feel safe in the presence of others.
When betrayal or manipulation happens in a relationship, the brain and body learn that closeness isn't safe. Even after leaving the situation, the imprint remains: in the flashbacks, the fear of intimacy, the inability to trust even the good people who come later. And if this trauma isn't addressed, it spills into how we parent. Not because we're weak. But because the very wiring meant to protect us is now misfiring around those we love most.
How Healing Happens
There is hope. Healing is not just possible—it is a process that can be rewired into the brain and body with the right support. Here are some of the modalities I use in my practice to help individuals, couples, and families move toward lasting healing:
Brainspotting: A powerful brain-based therapy that helps access and release trauma stored deep in the subcortical brain. It bypasses the thinking brain and connects directly with where trauma "lives."
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories so they no longer feel activating or stuck.
Psychodrama: A creative, action-oriented therapy that uses role play to rework traumatic scenes and shift internal dynamics.
Music Therapy: Helps individuals express and regulate emotions through sound, rhythm, and resonance. It’s especially powerful for those who struggle to articulate what they feel.
Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT): Uses energy psychology and chakra-based techniques to clear trauma at the body, mind, and spiritual levels.
Trauma-Sensitive Yoga: A somatic practice that reconnects people with their bodies in safe, gentle ways—reclaiming the body as a safe place.
Spirituality: For many, spiritual practices offer a way to make meaning, find resilience, and experience connection beyond the self.It is also ok to not have a spiritual practice
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples: Helps rebuild safe emotional bonds after rupture. It's especially effective in addressing attachment trauma within relationships.
Tools for Parents: How to Regulate in the Moment
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to practice. Here are some practical tools:
Name it to tame it (Dr. Dan Siegel): Label your emotion out loud—"I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now." It calms the amygdala and models emotional awareness.
Pause and breathe: Even one deep belly breath can begin to calm your nervous system. Try breathing in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6.
Use rhythm: Clap, hum, tap a rhythm on your chest—this activates the vagus nerve and soothes the body.
Co-regulate with connection: Sit with your child. Get low. Offer a hug or just presence. Let your calm nervous system invite theirs to settle (but only once you're centered).
Sing and Dance
Repair when you rupture: When you lose your cool, go back. Say, "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn’t your fault. I'm working on staying calm. I love you."
You're Not Alone
We heal in relationship. And parenting is a deeply relational act. If you weren’t given a model of safety, emotional regulation, and healthy attachment, you can still become that model. Not by faking it. But by doing the work to repair what was wounded in you. Your healing is your child's healing. When you show them what it looks like to come back from rupture, to own your mistakes, to get support, and to keep trying—you give them the greatest gift you never got. You're not broken. You're becoming. And I'm here for that journey. If any of this resonates with you, please contact us to set up an appointment today! We can help.
Bibliography
van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. Norton.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. Norton.
Geller, S. M., & Porges, S. W. (2014). Therapeutic presence: Neurophysiological mechanisms mediating feeling safe in therapeutic relationships. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 24(3), 178–192.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Rothschild, B. (2000). The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. Norton.
Grand, D. (2013). Brainspotting: The Revolutionary New Therapy for Rapid and Effective Change. Sounds True.
Schwarz, F. L., Corrington, C., & Gorman, M. (2007). Advanced Integrative Therapy: A Promising New Energy Psychotherapy. Energy Psychology: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 1(1), 39-49.
Danette Dollison-Johnson
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